Cute

Funny

Very Funny

Very Very Funny

Hysterical

Clean

Tasteless

Dirty

	The Amazing Henry The just-married Blooms are in Las Vegas for their honeymoon and go to see a show starring "The Amazing Henry." The Amazing Henry walks out on stage, puts three walnuts on a table, takes out his hard-on, and smashes! the walnuts. It is many many years later, and the Blooms are in Las Vegas for their Fiftieth Anniversary. They see a sign in front of the same club that says, "Tonight! The Amazing Henry!" And they go in to see the show, because it helps the joke. The Amazing Henry walks out on stage, puts three coconuts on a table, takes out his hard-on, and smashes! the coconuts. They go backstage. Mrs. Bloom says, "Mr. Henry, fifty years ago you smashed walnuts. Why did you switch to coconuts?" The Amazing Henry says, "Well, at my age, the eyesight starts to go...."
	The Backward Collar Little Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, "Hey, mister, why're you wearin' your collar backwards?" The priest says, "Because I'm a father." Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards." The priest says, "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards."
	Baloney Larry walks into a delicatessen. He says, "Can I have a baloney?" The counterman says, "Would you like me to slice it up?" Larry says, "Does my ass look like a piggy bank?"
	The Barbecue Little old Mr. Ravelli is out on his front stoop, barbecuing a chicken on a manual rotisserie, when a hippie comes walking by. The hippie stops, takes a look, and says, "Hey, man... the music stopped and your monkey's on fire."
	The Bear and the Bunny Rabbit A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
	The Blind Man and the Matzo A blind guy goes to a Passover seder. The hostess hands him a piece of matzo. He says, "Who wrote this shit?"
	The Breakthrough A couple's in a car accident, and the wife gets hurt really bad. For ten years she's in a coma, never speaks or moves. Then one day a nurse is giving her a sponge bath, and as the sponge rubs across the wife's twat, she moans. The nurse gets the doctor, the doctor tries it, and she moans again, so the doctor calls the husband to the hospital. The doctor says, "We have a breakthrough. I think a little oral sex might snap her out of it. You go into her room, and we'll monitor her from out here in the hall." The husband goes into his wife's room, and the doctor and the nurse watch her heart monitor go "bleep... bleep..." ...and then flatline. They run into the room as the husband is pulling up his pants. The doctor says, "What the hell happened?" The husband says, "I guess she choked on the thing."
	The Bugs and the Bees Johnny is walking along with his father when he sees a butterfly. He grabs it, throws it down on the ground, and stomps it. His father says, "Son, that was unnecessary violence. You may not have any butter for an entire year." They walk a little further, and Johnny sees a honey bee. He grabs it, throws it down on the ground, and stomps it. His father says, "Once again, son, unnecessary violence. You may not have any honey for an entire year." That night, Johnny is sitting at dinner with his mother and father when a cockroach goes running across the table. His mother whacks! it. Johnny says, "Well, pop, are you gonna tell her, or am I?"
	The CIA Entrance Exam The Director of the CIA has to test three new agents, a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old, and a 45-year-old. He puts each of their wives in a different room. He hands the 25-year-old a gun and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 25-year-old says, "I can't do it. I love her too much." The Director hands the gun to the 35-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 35-year-old goes into the room, comes out after five minutes, and says, "I can't do it." The Director hands the gun to the 45-year-old and says, "Go into the room and kill your wife." The 45-year-old goes into the room. Three shots ring out, and then there's the sound of scuffling and fighting. The director runs into the room and sees the wife dead on the floor. He says, "What happened?" The 45-year-old says, "Some asshole put blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."
	The Cockatoo in the Freezer A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a talking cockatoo. She takes one which the storekeeper guarantees will talk. She gets the bird home and puts him in a cage, at which point the bird says "Polly wants a fuckin' cracker.">br> The woman is horrified, and telephones the pet shop immediately. The man at the pet store apologizes but suggests that the cockatoo just needs to be taught some discipline. He recommends that the lady stick the bird in the freezer for about half an hour or so to cool him down. So she does. When the poor little bastard's time is up, the lady lets the cockatoo out of the freezer, and asks him if he has anything to say for himself. To her consternation, the bird replies, "Yeah, I'm still fuckin' hungry, bitch. Now get me a fuckin' cracker." The lady is really furious, and calls the pet shop again and yells at the man who sold her the bird. "That horrible bird is still cursing; what am I going to do about him now?" The man still believes that the bird just needs a little more discipline, so he tells the lady to put the cockatoo in the freezer for at least another hour this time. The lady hangs up the phone and immediately puts the cockatoo back in the freezer. After an hour or so has passed, she pulls the freezing little guy out of the freezer. The bird stands there shivering, covered with frost, and says, "Jesus! What did the chicken do?"
	The Construction Workers and the Genie A black guy, a Jewish guy, and a redneck are working construction, digging a ditch. The black guy's shovel hits something, he picks it up, and it's a lamp. He starts to rub the dirt off and a genie comes out. The genie goes, "Arggh! I will give you each one wish." The black guy says, "I want my own country, where the brothers and sisters can live in peace and harmony in freedom forever." The genie says, "Done." He says to the Jew, "What about you?" The Jew says, "I want my own country, so the Jews can live in peace and harmony with no persecution forever and ever." The genie says, "Done." He says to the redneck, "What about you?" The redneck says, "Now let me get this straight. The blacks are all gonna live in their own country, and the Jews are all gonna live in their own country?" The genie says, "That's right." The redneck says, "Fuck it. I'll take a Diet Coke."
	Daddy and the Prom Dress Betty says to her father, "Daddy, I need to borrow eighty dollars to buy a dress for the prom." He says, "Sure, sweetheart. But first, you have to give me a blow job." She says, "Daddy, you're sick." Every time she asks him for the money, he says the same thing. When the prom is only four days away, she figures what the hell, she really wants to go, so she walks into the kitchen, says, "You win, Daddy", unbuckles his belt, pulls down his pants, gets down on her knees, and starts sucking his cock. After just a few seconds, she starts gagging and spitting. She says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit." He says, "I know, honey. Your brother needed to borrow the car."
	Digestion Problems Burford goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples come out. I eat bananas, bananas come out." The doctor says, "It's easy. Eat shit."
	The Doberman and the Chihuahua There's a guy with a Doberman pinscher and a guy with a chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says to the guy with a chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he goes to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed. The guy with the Doberman pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're excellent." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the chihuahua figures, "What the hell." He puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A chihuahua?" He says, "They gave me a chihuahua?"
	The Doctor Knows A lady comes walking into the house and says to her husband, "The doctor says I can't make love." Her husband says, "How'd he find out?"
	Dr. Mom Nancy calls home from college. She says, "Ma, I'm in bed with hepatitis." Her mother says, "Don't let him flip you over."
	The Drunks and the Hot Dog Two drunks, Hawthorne and Woods, wake up one morning. Woods says, "How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I've got is forty cents." Hawthorne says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on. Let's go to the bar." When they get to the bar, Hawthorne pulls down Woods' zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it. Then he says, "Follow me," and they walk into the bar. He orders two zombies, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, "Pay up," Hawthorne drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos." Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Hawthorne says, "Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore." Woods says, " You can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."
	Eating Out Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
	Elephant Jokes
	Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. How do you breathe through that thing?
	Q. What do you do with an elephant with three balls? A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
	Q. What does an elephant use as a tampon? A. A sheep.
	Q. What's the black squishy stuff between an elephant's toes? A. Slow natives.
	The Farmboy and the Duck A big husky farm kid turns sixteen, so his father figures it's time to send him to town to get himself a woman. The farmer has very little money, so he gives the kid a duck and tells him to get a woman in trade. The kid goes to town, goes into a whorehouse, and tells the madam he wants a girl in exchange for the duck. The madam laughs in his face, but one of the girls feels sorry for him and takes him upstairs. They go into a room, they get undressed, he gets on her, and he gives her a fucking like she hasn't had in years. When they're done, she says, "Kid, if you'll do that to me again, I'll let you keep your duck." He does it again, then grabs the duck, leaves the whorehouse, and heads for home. He's almost home when he sees the neighbor's daughter bending over the cabbages, and she's got no underwear on. He thinks about the night before, and he starts for her. Her father sees him and stops him. He says, "I recognize that gleam in your eye, son. I was young once, myself. Here, take this ten-dollar bill and go on home and leave my daughter alone." So the kid walks up to his house carrying the duck. His father sees him and gets upset. He says, "Boy, I sent you to town to get a woman with that animal." The kid says, "Well, Paw, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, ten bucks for duckin' a fuck, and I still got the fuckin' duck."
	A Father Explains A kid says, "Pop, what's a vagina look like?" His father says, "Son, before sex, a vagina is like a rose, with pink, velvety petals, and the aroma of perfume." The kid says, "What about after sex?" His father says, "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
	The Filthy Limerick Contest One day, an impoverished Englishman sees a newspaper contest: "Ten thousand dollars for the world's filthiest limerick". He thinks to himself, "Who knows filthier limericks than me? I'm an old British sailor." So he writes down the filthiest limerick he can remember, and sends it in. A couple of weeks later, he gets a note from the magazine. He opens it up, and there's a check for two hundred and fifty bucks... he won second place. He can't believe it. He calls up the magazine and a girl answers. He says, "I should have won your contest. Who did win?" The girl says, "The contest was won by a Miss Fanny O'Flannagan." The man says, "Can you tell me a bit about her?" The girl says, "She's a little old Irish lady who lives in Willowmoss, which is a suburb of Dublin. She lives in a little thatched cottage at the end of a dirt road. She has no telephone, and you can only get there by bicycle." He is really curious, and he doesn't trust the overseas mail, so he figures, what the hell, and stows away on an ocean liner to Ireland. When he gets to Ireland, he hitchhikes to Dublin. He looks up an old Irish sea mate, borrows a bicycle, and finds the path to Fanny's house. He's happy and singing as he's going up and down and around the winding path on the bicycle. Finally, there it is...a little white thatched cottage. There are flowers all around it, and ivy on the west wall. He knocks on the door... A few seconds later it opens, and a tiny little woman peek around it and says, "Yes?" He says, "Excuse me, but are you Miss Fanny O'Flannagan?" She says, "Who wants to know?" He says, "My name's John Carney, and I came in second place in the filthy limerick contest that you won. I'd like to hear the limerick that beat me." She says, "All right. I'll recite it for you. But to tell you the truth, I'm a wee bit embarrassed, because it's so naughty. So if you don't mind, I'll just replace the bad sections with la la las." Carney says, "Fine." Fanny says, "La la la la la la, la la la la la la, La la la la, la la la la, La la in a river of shit."
	The Foot Locker A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad...." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."
	The Fragrant Honeymoon Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy is in the bathroom. As Jimmy is getting undressed, he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and being too chicken to face her, Jimmy darts past her and he goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, "How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? How will I tell him?" Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Summoning all of her courage, Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge, wet kiss, then pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."
	Going Into Labor A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"
	The Golfers and the Snake Two men are out playing golf. One of them excuses himself while he goes into the woods next to the course, to take a pee. While he is in the woods, his partner hears him cry out in pain. He runs into the woods where his friend went, just in time to see a deadly, poisonous snake slithering away. "That snake just bit me right on the end of my cock!" cries the man. "Hurry! Run and find a doctor to see what we should do!" Without a moment's hesitation the other man springs from the woods and runs all over the golf course, looking for a doctor. He finally finds one and, though he is totally out of breath, he manages, in gasps, to tell the doctor what has happened. "What should I do, Doc?" he asks. The doctor says, "Listen carefully. You must go back to your friend and with a razor blade cut an X right on the spot where the snake bit him, then suck out the venom. But do it quickly or your friend will die!" The man runs across the entire course, back into the forest and arrives at the tree where the friend is lying, writhing in agony. The friend looks up anxiously and says, "What did the doctor say?" The man tells him, "Doctor says you're gonna die."
	Grandma and the Peanuts A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
	The Grizzly Bear and the City Slicker A city guy decides to try bear hunting. So he buys the necessary guns and gear, and heads out into the wilderness. Before long, he spots a huge old grizzly bear fishing in a river. He carefully takes aim and, closing his eyes, fires. When the smoke clears, he looks around but there is no bear carcass to be seen. As he stands up, he feels a huge paw come down on his shoulder. The grizzly turns him around and glares into his eyes, and rumbles, "Were you shootin' at me, boy?" "Ummm, I guess so...." stammers the hunter. "Well," roars the bear, "just for that I'm going to slash you open and eat you for lunch... but, 'cause you're new, I'll let you go if you get down on your knees and make an old grizzly very happy." Well, the hunter doesn't like the idea of giving a bear a blow job, but it's better to being killed, so he gets down on his knees and does what he's told. The bear sighs and, with a satisfied grin, wanders off. After trying to get the taste out of his mouth, the hunter picks up his gun and looks for a new target. After a while, he spots the same huge grizzly asleep against a rock. The hunter takes careful aim, steadying himself against a tree, and fires. After the smoke clears, there is again no sign of the bear. As he stands up, he again feels a huge paw comes down on his shoulder. The bear turns him around gazes into his eyes. Finally he rumbles, "Were you shootin' at me again, boy?" "Ummm, I guess... uh, maybe...." stammers the hunter. "Well," roars the bear, "this time I am going to rip you in half and have you for dinner... but, well, you're really a pathetic excuse for a hunter, so I'll give you a choice. I can either rip you to little pieces or you can drop your pants, bend over that log, and make an old grizzly very happy." Making a quick decision, he does as he's told and lets the bear have his fun. Afterwards the bear wanders off in search of a cigarette. When the hunter can finally stand and walk almost normally, the determined hunter reloads with enormous hollow-point bullets, mounts a grenade launcher under the gun, and sets off in search of the bear. Not much has passed when he comes across the same bear, scratching his back on a tree. This time he makes sure the gun is absolutely steady. He primes the grenade launcher, turns on the laser sight, slowly breathes out, and fires. After the twentieth magazine, the fifth box of grenades and several extremely noisy minutes, the firing has stopped and the smoke clears. When he looks around, he sees lots of damage but no bear remains. And once again, as he stands, the familiar huge paw comes down on his shoulder. The bear turns him around, look him in the eye, sighs, and shakes his head. Finally he rumbles, "You ain't up here for the huntin', are you, boy?"
	The Helpful Wife A couple is driving down the highway when a cop pulls them over. The cop walks up and says, "You were doing eighty-five in a fifty-five mile zone." The guy says, "You know, officer, I was doing sixty the whole time, and then the last few minutes, I guess I was just keeping up with traffic and I wasn't watching...." His wife says, "That's not true. You were doing eighty-five or ninety the whole time." He turns to her and says, "Shut the fuck up." The cop says, "...And I notice you haven't got your seat belt buckled." He says, "Well, officer, I knew I had to show you my license, so I unbuckled my seat belt so I could get out my wallet." His wife says, "That's not true. You haven't had it on the whole time." He turns to her and says, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Shut up." The cop walks around to the wife's side and motions for her to roll down the window. He says, "Does he always talk to you like that?" She says, "Only when he's drunk."
	How Indians Get Their Names A young indian brave asks the tribal chief how the children in the tribe get their names. The chief explains, "When a child is born, it is brought to me for my blessing, and I am asked to give it a name. I look all around me for spiritual guidance, and I name the child whatever the spirits let catch my eye first. If I see flowers blooming, I name the child Flowers Blooming; if I see the rising sun, I name the child Rising Sun; and If I see a little pine tree, I name the child Little Pine Tree. "But tell me, Two Dogs Fucking, why do you ask?"
	How Many Positions? During a Sex Education class, the teacher says, "All right, class, I want you to go home and come back tomorrow with as many positions as you can think of for making sex." The next day she says to little Johnny in the back, "Well, John, how many positions did you come up with?" Johnny says, "Seventy-three." The teacher says, "Oh, my goodness... uh... very good, John, very good...." She calls on Becky in the front and says, "All right, Becky, how about you?" Becky says, "Gee, teacher, I only came up with one...where the guy just lays on top of the girl." Johnny yells, "Seventy-four!"
	The Huge Vagina Mrs. Johnson goes to a brand-new gynecologist. He says, "My God, Mrs. Johnson, that is the hugest vagina I have ever, ever seen." When she gets home, she decides to have a look for herself. She takes down a big mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor, takes off all of her clothes, stands on the mirror, spreads her legs apart, and looks down. Just then, her husband walks in early from work. He says, "What are you doing?" She says, "Ummm... I'm exercising." He says, "Well, be careful not to fall in the hole."
	The Japanese Elf The elf in charge of purchasing supplies for Santa's workshop decides it's time to retire. Santa take on the task of promoting another elf to take his place. As he is reviewing the resumes, he realizes that there are no Japanese elves in executive positions. So, he calls in the senior Japanese elf and informs him that he will be in full charge of Supplies. Bursting with pride, the elf runs out to tell the other elves, who all offer hearty congratulations. However, as Christmas approaches, the toy-building elves notice that many of the materials they needed are beginning to run very low. Reluctantly, they inform Santa. With Christmas just around the corner, Santa realizes that there is no time to waste. He heads out across his complex, toward the Supply Office and the Japanese elf who is supposed to be in charge. As he rounds a large pine tree, the Japanese elf leaps out and yells "Supplies!"
	The Jew and the Arab A Jew is returning to Palestine on a plane full of Arabs. He takes off his shoes to take a nap. After the plane takes off, the Arab next to him says, "Jew, get me a coffee." The Jew decides that this is not the time to start a war, so he goes for coffee. When he gets back, he sees that there is fresh shit in his shoe. With Arabs everywhere, he gives the Arab the coffee and sits. After an hour, the Arab says "Jew! Get me another coffee." The Jew goes. When he gets back, he sees the other shoe has shit in it. He says nothing. On landing, the Arab says, "Jew, you're OK. Do you think our peoples will ever live together in peace?" The Jew says "No." "Why not?" asks the Arab. "Because we have different customs," explains the Jew. "Your people shit in shoes; mine piss in coffee."
	King Arthur and the Crusades Just before leaving on one of his Holy Crusades, King Arthur checks to make sure that Guinevere's special chastity belt is securely in place. At Merlin's suggestion, it features a large open hole right in the front, and will serve as a test of loyalty while Arthur is gone. A rather strict test, in that anthing passing through the hole will be neatly chopped off by a small but razor-sharp guillotine hidden inside. After the normal number of years it takes to convert the infidel from paganism to death, he returns home. He faces the receiving line formed by those Knights of the Round Table who did not make it to this particular crusade, and commands them to drop their trousers so that he can weed out any disloyal subjects. As he examines each Knight's privates, he is horrified to see that all of them are sporting a chopped-off remain of what was once thair manhood, with only a single exception. The exception is Sir Lancelot, whose member looks to be in perfect shape. "My one true friend," gushes Arthur, "name what you will as a reward for your loyalty, and it is yours." Lancelot responds, "Ngaah ngaah ngaah ngaah...."
	Lawyer Jokes
	What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One's a scum-sucking bottom-dweller; the other's a fish.
	What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
	Logical Deduction A college professor says to his students, "Logical deduction is the art of making a natural series of assumptions based on one fact in order to prove another fact. I'll illustrate. Mr. Norris, do you have a dog?" Norris says, "Yes, I do." The professor says, "I deduce that because you have a dog, you have a backyard?" Norris says, "Yes, I do." The professor says, "You have a backyard, so you have a house?" Norris says, "Yes." The professor says, "Because you have a house, I deduce that you don't live alone?" Norris says, "Right again." The professor says, "And because you don't live alone, I deduce that you have a wife?" Norris says, "Yes, I have a wife." The professor says, "And because you have a wife, I deduce that you are not a homosexual." Norris says, "No, I'm not." After class, one of Norris' dormmates says, "What did you study in that 'Logical Deductions' class?" Norris says, "I'll show you. Do you have a dog?" The guy says, "Nope." Norris says, "You fucking faggot."
	Lucky Eleven I met a guy the other day that was the eleventh son of an eleventh son. He was born on November llth, and November is the eleventh month, and he went to the racetrack on November llth, and the Number 11 horse in the llth race was "Lucky 11". So he bet on it. You know what happened? It finished llth.
	Mary's Little Lamb The teacher says to her third-grade class, "Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. Class, that was poetry. It would be prose if I changed the last line to 'and the lamb went with her'." She says to Little Billy, "Bill, give us an example of either prose or poetry." Billy says, "Mary had a little pig, it was an ugly little runt... he stuck his nose between her legs, and sniffed... hey, Teach, you want prose or poetry?" The teacher says, "Prose! Prose!" "And sniffed her hairy asshole."
	Mike Tyson in Prison The warden is talking to Mike Tyson before he locks him up to start his prison term. The warden says, "Do you enjoy baseball?" Mike says, "Yeah, I like baseball." The warden says, "Then you're gonna enjoy Mondays. Do you enjoy tennis?" Mike says, "Yeah, I like tennis all right." The warden says, "Then you'll like Tuesdays. Do you like women?" Mike says, "Yeah. I love women." The warden says, "Then you ain't gonna like Wednesdays."
	The Miracle of the Statues There's two statues in the park, a male statue, and a female statue, and they're both stark naked. For thousands of years they've been staring at each other. One day, a miracle brings them to life for an hour. The male statue says, "Do you wanna do what I wanna do?" The female statue says, "Oh, yeah." They run into the woods. Twenty minutes later they come running back out, sweating and panting. He says, "Let's rest up awhile, and then go do it again." She says, "All right. Only this time, you hold the pigeons and I'll shit on 'em."
	The Mixed Up Lab Tests A man calls the doctor to get the results of his wife's tests. The doctor explains that two tests got mixed up, and they have to take the tests over again. What he does know is that the wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease. "AIDS or Alzheimer's," yells the man, "that's quite a difference! What do I do in the meantime?" "Well," considers the doctor, "why don't you send her down to the store for some cigarettes. If she comes back, don't fuck her."
	The Mortician and the Suits A lady goes into the funeral parlor to view her husband a few hours before the service. She says to the mortician, "Bernie looks very good. He looks at peace with the world. But I had so hoped he would have been buried in a blue suit, not a gray suit." The mortician says, "No problem, lady." He opens the door and yells, "Hey, Freddie! Change heads on number six and number eleven."
	The Mortician's Receptionist A mortician is laying out the body of a man with a huge penis, and he calls in his receptionist to show her. She says, "That looks just like my Harry's." He says, "That big?" She says, "No. That dead."
	The Net There's a big fire in New York City, and the firemen are using the big ring to catch the people who are jumping out of the windows. But every time a black guy jumps, they pull the ring to the side, and he smashes onto the concrete. One guy sticks his head out of a window and yells, "Hey, man! I'm not black. I'm Spanish." Then he jumps... They pull the net to the side and yell, "Ole'!"
	Never Mind Sylvia Schwartz is thirty-three years old, and she's not married, so her mother sends her on a cruise around the world. Six weeks later she comes walking into the house with a huge black man. He's jet black, and all he's wearing is a necklace made of teeth, a bone through his nose, and a grass skirt. Her mother looks at the guy and yells, "Rich doctor, I said rich doctor."
	The New Career Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a huge cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
	The Ocean Cruise Burford is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." Burford says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
	An Off-Color Joke Haberman is standing at a urinal when a black guy walks up to the the urinal next to him and takes out a white dick. Haberman says, "Please excuse me for staring, but I've never seen a black man with a white dick before." The other guy says, "I'm not black. I'm a coal miner on my honeymoon."
	The Old Jew and the Genie An old Jewish man finds an old bottle in the dessert. He opens it and a puff of smoke comes out, followed by a genie. The genie informs him that he can have any wish in the world. The old man shows the genie a map and says, "This little country is Israel. All of these other countries surrounding Israel hate Israel. I wish that all of these other little countries would love Israel and come to peace. The genie says, "I'm sorry, but some wishes are just so out of the question that they are impossible even for me. Please wish anything else." The old man asks, "Absolutely anything?" The genie says "anything." The old man says, "OK, I wish my wife would give me just one blow job before I die." The genie thinks for a second and says, "Can I take a look at that map again."
	The Old Man and the C An old guy goes to the doctor. After his exam, the doctor says, "You've got cancer and Alzheimer's." The old guy says, "Thank God I don't have cancer."
	One-Liners
	Confucius say, "Seven day honeymoon make hole weak."
	A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"
	I would have been your dad, ya know, but the guy ahead of me had exact change....
	If God hadn't meant it to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
	If two West Virginians get a divorce, are they still first cousins?
	What do you think of the ass, as a whole?
	When I die, I want to go like my Grandfather... in his sleep. Not kicking and screaming like the other passengers in his car.
	Oogie Three missionaries get caught by cannibals, and the cannibals throw them in a bamboo jail. The chief pulls one of them out of the bamboo jail and says, "You have two choice... death or Oogie." The missionary thinks to himself, "I don't want to die....", so he says, "I'll take the Oogie." The chief says, "Ugh. Oogie!" The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Oogie! Oogie!" Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log, and they all fuck him in the ass. They thow him back in the bamboo jail, bleeding moaning and obvious in great pain. They drag out the next missionary, and the chief says, "You have two choice... death or Oogie." The missionary looks back at the first guy, who's in really bad shape, but he doesn't want to die, so he says, "I'll take the Oogie." The chief says, "Ugh. Oogie!" The cannibals all start jumping up and down, grunting, "Oogie! Oogie!" Then they pull down his pants, bend him over a log, and they all fuck him in the ass. But it's a lot worse for him, because of course it takes the cannibals alot longer the second time. They throw him back in the bamboo jail, whelping like a dog that's been hit by a truck, and pull out the third missionary. The chief says, "You have two choice... death or Oogie." The third missionary sees the other two guys in total agony, and says, "I couldn't handle that. I'll take death." The chief says, "Ugh. Death. But first... Oogie!"
	The Pilot and the Stewardess On a trans-Atlantic flight, the pilot comes on the intercom and says, "Hello, this is Captain Norris. We're flying at approximately 35,000 feet and we should arrive in two and a half hours. Thank you for flying West Eastern." And he forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new blonde stewardess." The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell him the microphone is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass. A sweet little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey. He said he had to take a shit first."
	Click here for the POLISH JOKES PAGE
	The Potted Plant Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Burford.... All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?"
	Click here for the QUESTION & ANSWER JOKES PAGE
	The Rabbi and the Flood An orthodox rabbi is studying in his living room, when there is a knock on the door. When he opens the door, it is a policeman, who informs him that the rivers are rising, a flood is expected, and evacuation is recommended. The rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger." The policeman shrugs his shoulders and leaves. As the rabbi is watching the rising water getting closer and closer to his house, there is a second knock, this time a State trooper. The trooper says, "rabbi, we are evacuating the area as the flood is getting serious and you are in jeopardy." Again the rabbi explains, "I am a man of God. I am sure he will protect me from danger. I am staying." Well, the water continues to rise, until the rabbi is forced to stay on the second floor. He hears some yelling and looks up to see two men in a rowboat right outside his second floor window. "Rabbi!" one of the calls, "Get in the boat, the rains are not letting up! It's getting serious." "I am a man of God. He will protect me from danger. I'll stay." The men, fearing for their own safety, row on. As the flood rises, the rabbi is forced to climb out onto his roof, just as a helicopter is flying over. The helicopter drops a rope ladder and a voice calls down, "We're coming to get you, rabbi!" "No, no.... God will protect me. You go on." Well, needless to say, the water continues to rise and the rabbi drowns. When he gets to Heaven, he is really pissed. "I must see God," says the rabbi. "Please take me to God." He is granted an audience with God. "Lord," says the rabbi, "after a lifetime of devotion to you, why would you forsake me in my moment of need?" God says, "Schmuck, I sent two cops, I sent a rowboat, I sent a helicopter...."
	Santa's Solution A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, "What would you like for Christmas?" The kid says, "A fucking swingset." Santa says, "You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?" The kid says, "A fucking sandbox for the side yard." Santa says, "That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?" The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, "I want a fucking trampoline in the front yard." Santa lifts the boy off his lap and goes to talk to the kid's parents. He tells them what the kid said, and then says, "I know how to stop it. Don't get him anything for Christmas except dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swingset, put another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That should make him change his tune." Christmas morning the kid goes downstairs to open his presents, and there aren't any. He runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, shaking his head. His father says, "What's wrong, son?" The kid says, "Santa brought me a fucking dog, but I can't find him."
	The Second Mouth A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties. He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?" She says, "It's me lower mouth." He says, "What do you mean, `your lower mouth'?" She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a mustache... it's got lips...." He says, "'as it got a tongue in it?" She says, "Not always."
	The Sewage Disposal Plant A guy from the deep south comes to New York and he's amazed by the indoor plumbing. He's so intrigued by the way the toilets work that he goes to the sewage disposal plant to check it out. One of the inspectors shows him to the conveyor belt that carries all the bowel movements. As the piles of shit parade by them, the inspector says, "You can tell by inspection who the assorted feces belong to. See that one? I'm sure it's the turd of a Mexican. See the pieces of taco shell, and the tomato seeds? And this next one is obviously the turd of a Chinaman or a Jap... see the fish eyes and the rice in it? And this next one is surely from a queer." The hick says, "How can you tell?" The inspector says, "It's dented on one end."
	The Slow Golfers A priest and a rabbi are golfing behind a slow foursome. It's finally so bad that they run up and bitch at them for being slow. One of the foursome says, "I'm really sorry, but these other three guys are blind." The priest says, "My God, I'm sorry." The rabbi says, "Dey couldn't play at night?"
	The Strict Parish A priest interviews three couples who want to join his church. He explains that his church demands total devotion. To see if the couples are devoted enough, they will have to do without sex for one month. The couples are dismissed and, after a month, they return to report. The priest asks the first couple how they did. The couple answers that it was tough but they made it. The second couple says that it wasn't much different from their usual sex life. However, the third husband confesses that he couldn't make it. "We had almost made it, when my wife dropped a tomato on the floor. She bent over to pick it up, and when I saw her in that position, I lost all control. I tore off her skirt and blouse and made long and passionate love to her right there on the floor. "Well," says the priest, "I'm afraid you can't come into the church." Not only that," says the man, "we can't go into that A&P anymore, either."
	Surprise! Schick comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell are you two doing?" His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
	The Toothless Hamster A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to a pet store. The salesman says, "I have a great pet for you... a toothless hamster." The guy says, "Nah." The salesman says, "But it gives great head." The guy takes it home. His wife screams, "What the hell is that thing?" He says, "Never mind what it is. Teach it to cook and then get the fuck out."
	The Two Bananas Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by. The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!" One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"
	The Two Hikers Two men were preparing to go hiking in Yosemite National Park. One asked the other why he was putting on a pair of running shoes instead of hiking boots. "In case we meet a bear." he replied. "That's silly, you can't outrun a bear." "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you."
	The Two Irishmen in the Bar In an Irish pub, there's the bartender and one guy at either end of the bar. The guy at one end yells to the guy at the other end, "So where're you from?" The other guy answers, "Ireland." The first guy says, "I'm from Ireland myself. What part?" The other guy says, "Dublin." The first guy says, "I'm from Dublin myself. What part o' Dublin?" The other guy says, "Lancashire Town." The first guy says, "By God, I'm from Lancashire Town. What street?" The second guy says, "Greenbriar Street." The first guy says, "By God, I'm from Greenbriar Street. What number Greenbriar?" The other guy says, "Two fifteen." The first guy says, "By God, I'm from two fifteen Greenbriar Street. What do you say we get out of here and go get a beer somewhere else?" So the two of them leave. A few minutes later, the owner walks in and says to the bartender, "Any business tonight?" The bartender says, "Nah. Just the O'Brien twins."
	Uncle Floyd Harry says to his uncle, "Listen, you're alot older than me. Do me a favor. After you die, try to contact me from the afterlife." His uncle says, "All right." A few years later, his uncle passes away. Then Harry's mowing the lawn one day when all of a sudden he hears, "Harry... Harry...." He says, "Uncle Floyd? Uncle Floyd? Is that you, Uncle Floyd?" He says, "Yes, Harry." Harry says, "Whoa! Uncle Floyd! Tell me how it is! Tell me what it's like!" His uncle says, "Well, we get up in the morning... we screw for a few hours, and then we have some breakfast. Then we screw for a few more hours... then we have some lunch. And we screw a little bit more... then we take a nap, and then we screw for another few hours... then we have a big dinner. Then we screw a few more hours and go to sleep, so we can wake up in the morning, and do it all over again." Harry says, "Wow, Uncle Floyd. Heaven sure sounds great." His uncle says, "Heaven? I'm a jackrabbit in Wyoming."
	The Waitress and the Hamburger A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out from under her armpit, and tosses it on the bun. The guy says, "What was that all about?" She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you." He says, "Cancel my hot dog."
	Wider! Wider! Billy is boffing his old lady on the tile floor in the bathroom. He starts yelling, "Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!" She says, "What are you trying to do? Get your balls in?" He says, "I'm trying to get them out."
	The Wounded Skunk A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering... it must be cold. What should I do?" He says, "Put it between your legs." She says, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

This page is extremely popular. You are visitor number .